It's stuck!
by baka alchemist
Summary: HGSS drabbles, quite funny and... uh, pervy sometimes. [no HBP, abandoned. Will not be updated.]
1. One: It's stuck!

Just a quick drabble... enjoy, and Merry Christmas :) I'm not sure about the rating, but I've asked and they all said it should be R. I guess it's something between R and PG-13...

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**It's stuck!  
**by **BakaAlchemist**

"It's stuck!"

"What do you mean 'stuck'?"

"I mean I can't move it."

"Try to pull harder!"

"I sad I _can't_, woman!"

"And whose fault is it?"

"Are you saying it's _my fault_?"

"_Yes!_ _You_ said it will fit, when _I_ tried to tell you it's _too big._"

"_You_ should have told me that the opening is _that_ small."

"Oh, shut up!"

"Yes, _ma'am_."

"Don't_ push_, it _hurts_!"

"Sorry. Damn, it broke..."

"Right... But I think it's fixable..."

"But _next _time, we won't do it _muggle_ way. We'll _shrnik_ the Christmas Tree before we try to carry it into the dungeons..."


	2. Two: And the answer?

Hey, here's another one . Since I can't write anything longer (I've tried... maaaany times...) I've written another drabble.

Big thanks for all my reviewers... you made me feel _really_ good. Some of you said that the rating is too high.. ah, you just don't have _dirrrrrrty_ minds and didn't catch the innuendos ;D

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**-And the answer...?-**

**By BakaAlchemist**

"YOU STUPID BRAINLESS GREASY IDIOT!!!"

"I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, but you _don't_ have to be _this_ loud."

"_Uncomfortable_?! UNCOMFORTABLE?!?! You call this _uncomfortable_?! I thought I'd die there!"

"Call it as you want, but can you give me an _answer_?"

"God, you're so _dense_ sometimes..."

"It's good to know, and the answer...?"

"I think I've already answered..."

**-10 minutes earlier, potions classroom-**

"You won't help Mr.Longbottom in my class again, Miss Granger."

"Yes, Professor..."

"Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Professor."

"Would you marry me?"

"Yes, Profess-"

She couldn't finish, because the classroom eruptedwith laughter.

-fin-


	3. Three: The Question

Riiight... forgive me, but I was kinda drunk while writing it. Just a bit, I swear! ;D But it turned out... ah, weird. And pervy. So don't read if you don't like _strange_ stuff ;D

Again, big, big thanks to all my _lovely_ reviewers. It seems like you like my drabbles, and it's a big thing to me. It means I _can_ write something understandable in English ;D Btw, is someone from Poland reading it?

Anyway, here's next one. Enjoy!

* * *

**-The question-  
**by **BakaAlchemist**

He had to think quickly. _Very_ quickly. She had said it. The worst thing that a woman can say to a man. And if he didn't answer soon, he'll be doomed. Literally. And on top of that, she's definitely not a woman, who can be satisfied with simple 'yes'

"So?" she was impatient "Do you?"

Think. _Think!_

"Yes! My love for you is as big as... " uh.. think about something! "As bis as.. my... you know..."

"No, I don't."

He glanced his abdomen.

"Oh." She understood "Oh..."

She glanced there too, then frowned.

"So you don't love me at all...."

_-fin-_

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	4. Four: About sizes

Sooo…. Here comes another weird drabble. I'm not.. uh, drunk this time, but is's just as odd as previous one ;D

Hey, can you do something for me? I'm looking for a story. I've read it long time ago, and can't find it. It was hgss, and it begun with a potions accident, which made Hermione able to read Severus's mind, he could read hers, and Neville could read their both... or something like that. If you know the title, can you help me? I'd be grateful :)

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**-About sizes-**

by **BakaAlchemist**

"Have you seen Harry's? No, I suppose you didn't... well, it's sooooo big. Every woman would be happy with him... And with _that_!"

He almost started to _pray_... gods, how much _babbling_ can a man survive?

"And you should look at Draco's... I _really_ envy Ginny. I think she's the happiest woman in the world... I didn't know it can be _that_ big!"

_Would_ _someone save me, please... _He _knew_ she was hinting him. She didn't have to be so obvious.

"I _wonder_ if I'll _ever_ get one..."

"Gods... I _will _buy you that stupid diamond engagement ring, but pleeeease, _spare my ears_...."

-fin-


	5. Five: Feels so good

So we meet again. Well, it looks like I'm kind of addicted to writing now ;) I've never thought that it can be _so_ good, but every time I read a review, I feel like flying. Thank you very, very, _very_ much. And thanks to RJLupin for helping me.

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**-Feels so good-  
**by** BakaAlchemist**

"Oh… it feels so good, so good… Ooooh.. Please…"

"Don't stop, don't stop, pleeeeeasee... god.... oh.... Oh!"

_So he didn't stop._

"Ooooh, yeeees... this way.... Yeees! Mmmm... you're so gooooohhhdd..."

"Severus... harder, please, harder..."

_So he started to do it harder._

"Gods, you do wonders with your hands... Mmmnnhh... yeees..."

"Ohhhh.... that's the place... touch it agaaaaain..."

_So he touched that place again, and again, and again... _

"You make me feel so wonderful... how can I deserve you—ohhh....."

"Your hands... god, how I love your hands... mmm..."

'_Only a woman can enjoy feet massage that much' he thought. _

* * *

-fin-


	6. Six: Nightime duties

Woohoo... I've actually managed to write it. Well, it's hard to type anything with my left arm out of service (twisted wrist), but I couldn't dissapoint you, my dears. So make it worth the pain I've gone through (literally... ) and enjoy it ;)

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**-Nightime duties-**

by **BakaAlchemist**

Minerva McGonagall had never liked her patrol duties. In her opinon, they were just _waste of time_. So she wanted to make it as quick as possible, and retreat to her chambers.

She was passing one of closets, when she heard some kind of muffled sound. Well, a duty is a duty. She had opened it... and closed very quickly. That was an _illusion_, or Peeves's stupid prank... yes, that sure was.

Because it was impossible to find _Severus Snape pressing Hermione Granger aganist the wall, kissing her neck fiercely, when she had her legs wrapped around his waist, running her hands through his hair_... right?

-fin-


	7. Seven: Doom!

God, I'm dead. Winter break is starting next week, but I'm not gonna make it. School is **_hell. _**I wonder how did I manage to find time for this one. But it's done, so... enjoy, as always ;)

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**-Doom!-  
**by** BakaAlchemist**

Doom, doom, _doom_! That's what's going to happen. _Doom_. She's doomed. _They're_ doomed. And everyone thought she's sensible! But now, when everything's out... _Doom! _Oh, well... she should at least talk to him for the last time.

"You know that I love you very much, but we'll have to break, so-"

"Hermione." he interrupted.

"No, let me _finish_. I hope you'll wait 'till my graduation, but if you won't-"

"_Hermione._"

"_Just a moment_. Like I said, I love you, and I'm going to wai-"

"_I_ am talking now. I seriously doubt, that they thought '_oh, she kissed his cheek, so it's sure that they're having sex every evening_', love."

_-fin-_

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	8. Eight: Las palabras de amor

_Disclaimer:_ I do not own HP (which belongs to JKR), "Las palabras de amor" title (which belongs to EMI), and Word XP, in which I write. Only my crazy mind is mine.

Cookies for those who know who was "Las palabras de amor" peformed by ;3 It means "the words of love".

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**-Las palabras de amor-  
**by** BakaAlchemist**

His eyes started to glisten when he entered the room, his smile grew wider, his heart started to beat faster. These were normal reactions to that _utterly wonderful_ sight.

"My love... my most precious possession. I am so happy that I got you."

Another look full of love and pride.

"I won't let anyone touch you. You're too precious to me... My treasure."

He heard loud creak of the door behind him. He knew who was that...

"What are you doing?"

"_Nothing._ You should go back to your studies, Hermione."

"Nothing? You were polishing your Order of Merlin again, am I right?"

_-fin-_

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	9. Nine: Utterly disgusting

Hiya. Phew, Valentines are coming._ Disgusting_ day... Unfortunately I was _born_ on Valentines. Poor me. Well, hope you enjoy it.

One more thing... I got my first flame, yay ;D It was also 111th review...  
**To my dear flamer**: It's _my_ choice who is my favourite character and which ship I like. Don't like HGSS pairing? Go read something _else_. Ijust can't understand _why_ are you readingfics which you know you'll hate, and then annoyauthors with your pointless flames.Sorry, it pissed me off.

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**-Utterly disgusting-  
**by** BakaAlchemist**

"What is _that_"

"Let's think for a minute. _Valentines_ are coming, house elves are _madly _running around the castle hanging those things _everywhere_ possible... I thought you'd know what are_ those_."

"I know _what_ are those, but I wonder what are _they_ doing _here_"

"I thought you'd _like_ them."

"Obviously I don't. Could you please take them and burn somewhere? That _pink_ is killing my eyes everytime I look there. Disgusting. _Utterly disgusting._"

"You are a strange girl, Hermione. You _are_ a girl, aren't you"

"Really, you are the one who_ shouldn't_ have_ any_ doubts in this case."

_-fin-_


	10. Ten: Something strange

Hiya. Thanks for wishing me happy birthday... you're great, did you know that?

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**Something strange  
**by **BakaAlchemist**

"Hermione, something fell from your bed..."

"Oh..."

"What is that?"

"_Nothing!_" she answered, trying to cover and pick it up at the same time.

"You are embarrassed, my dear. It has to be either something _childish_ or _perverted_."

"No, not really..."

He grabbed her hand and saw what she was holding.

"I would have never guessed you keep such _objects _in bed..."

Her cheeks became even more red. Hermione snatched the object from his hands, then hid it behind her back as quickly as she could.

"It's only a cuddly toy..."

"But I wonder why does it look like _me_, dearest."

_-fin-_


	11. Eleven: What, what, what!

OMG, a haven't updated for two weeks Oo Sorry, sorry, sorry. My computer was broken. Now I'm baaaaack :D

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**-What, what, what...!-  
**by** BakaAlchemist**

He was going to enter Hermione's room, but instinctively stopped when he heard her voice. Maybe she's not alone?

"_Mmm, I love you so much..."_

What, what, what, _what._..!

_A giggle. _

She's definitely not alone.

"_No, don't lick there!" Another giggle. _

That's enough. Severus, be a man. Go there,_ kill_ that bastard and take your woman back. Or kill her too. Er... no, better stick to the first option.

_"You're baaad... really baaad..."_

He opened the door violently and came in, holding his wand ready, only to find Hermione sitting on the floor with her what-was-its-name cat on her lap.

_-fin-_


	12. Twelve: And you think I'll let you?

Long time no see, eh? I'm so lazy.

**-And you think I'll let you...?-**

by** BakaAlchemist**

"One step closer, and believe me, I won't hesitate to hex you!"

"Don't tell me you're afraid of this little thingy, Severus..."

"Of course I'm _not_! It's _natural _when _certain part_ of me is inside you, but when _you_ are trying to insert something into _me_..."

"It's natural too. _Everyone _has to experience it sometimes. Harry wasn't complaining as much as you."

"You did that to _Potter_?"

"_Yes._"

"And you think I'll let you...?"  
"Yes, you _will._"

"Not a _chance_, Hermione."  
"Oh, just _shut up _and let me give you that vaccine..."

_-fin-_


	13. Thirteen: Don't pull so hard!

Oh my... over a month with no fanfiction done. My school is killing me... Thank God it's only one month left till holidays. I'm working on new story now... It will be chaptered probably! (wooo...) Oh well... I hope I'll finish it someday. For now... enjoy!

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**-Don't pull so hard!-  
**by** BakaAlchemist**

"Don't pull so damn hard!"

"Sorry... It's the first time I'm doing this to anybody, so..." Hermione smiled apologetically.

"I don't know why did I agree..."

"Because you love me. And you like it, don't deny."

"Yeah, rrrrrright... Owww! Hermione!" Her hand... _slipped. A little. _

"Sorry!" She tried to smile as sweetly as she could, resulting in making him very suspicious.

"You really want me to believe it _wasn't_ done deliberately?"

"Of course it wasn't... How could I? Me? I'm innocent _this_ time!"

"Oh yes, you could. But remind me not to let you brush my hair again, will you?"

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-fin-


	14. Fourteen: Just like that

Geez, why can't school end by the end of may? I still have two weeks till holidays. My brain is dead.  
I have two things to say.  
_One:_ I'm looking for a beta. I've started writing a longer story, and I'd like someone to check my mistakes before I make fool of myself -blush- Email me: watermarkATo2DOTpl  
_Two:_ Thank you very much for all those fantastic reviews! You won me a pizza with double cheese, you know ;D My friend said that I won't ever have over 200 reviews for those 'little silly stories'. Ha!

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-**Just like that-  
**by **BakaAlchemist**

"Stop, you're doing it wrong! Can't you Gryffindors do anything _right_? It's annoying."  
"But..."  
"Be quiet and listen, I'm not going to show you again."  
He covered her hand with his and begun to guide her movements.  
"Just like that. You press the hard point with left hand, and move the other one slowly. You have to make gentle, but firm moves. You can't _flail_ your arm like that, use your _wrist_! Stop! You're going to damage it if you keep on pressing like that, foolish girl!"  
She tried, but failed. He groaned.  
"Fifty points from Gryffinfor, Granger. You won't ever learn to cut dragon liver properly."

_-fin-_


End file.
